MEDICAL SCHOOL
Hey there nobody reading my blog,
Life has happened and I've come to realize that nobody is out there reading my blog , so I might as well write whatever the fuck I want to. Besides living in a hostel and having so little trust on anyone, I can't afford to keep a diary like I used to .
This is the 20 year old me in med school (believe me when I say school, it's way worse than you can imagine) , more bitter than an 80 year old pessimistic grandpa (evident with the lack of smileys and exclamation marks) , So I might sound less sunshiny than in the previous posts.
I don't sing , cook or take pictures like I used to. The whole cook snap and sing has lost it's point so.
I've lived a non existent life for the past 3 years and do so for 2 more. Have no clue whats up with the world or with me.
Getting into medical college was really a dream (made to) come true for me. The first few months was full of getting to know people and making friends , staring at the naked figures projected on board. Also amazed by how brave we've grown to walk past the lonely dissection hall full of dead bodies pickled in formalin. yada yada.
There's this thing about the college I'm in , I (females) can't go out of the campus. If I wanted to , my guardian had to bail me out, even if I wanted to go out and eat or even go home . I can't be found using the phone either.
Despite being informed this before joining, this was something most of us found hard to digest.
We still keep phones and go out (it's much more fun when each trip to the nearby cafe is like some mission impossible movie, you should try it it's fun) but then once you are caught, it's like they caught you smoking weed, and they look at you with disgust.
This could sound trivial but this affects me so much, because college was all I was looking forward to all my life. It was my doorway to being me .Where I would form my own band and make originals, where I would really get into street photography, The place where I develop opinions, knowledge and relationships. Other than some knowledge (my fault) and 2 something friends I haven't earned anything form here.
The social media helps me cope with this depressing campus by throwing me pictures and posts of my over achieving classmates and friends. I even find myself jealous of random people who are making a random cover , writing their second book or opening up a cafe. The family WhatsApp group makes me wonder how all the first rank holders are related to me. Facebook shows me how all my friends have found their soul sisters or brothers or partners or whatever, in their new college. It's like I couldn't feel happy for them anymore.
I'm guessing this is somewhat the story with most of them in my batch.
So this makes the 100 something people in my batch stuck with each other, because of a non existent social life. Most of them start dating each other. This makes things a bit weird. Old friends seemed like strangers, mostly because of my low self esteem which made me think like I shouldn't be bugging them with my friendship anymore.
There was this constant feeling of unworthiness, loneliness and self hatred. I even wanted to end my life because I felt like there wasn't a point. I had no drive, no passion no dreams. But then I would think of the three people who constantly keep calling me and checking up even if I have just a headache.
Long story short I fell into depression. Friends hardly noticed my absence in class or my fucked up tear held back face. I didn't really open up to anyone either. I had constant breathlessness, palpitations and heaviness of chest. Something told me that I couldn't handle it anymore, that I should get help. I told my parents and arranged a meeting with a psychologist who talked to me for more than 2 hours.
To be honest it's really amazing how simply talking to someone can take so much weight off your chest. I instantly felt so much better. She listened to me talk for 2 hours straight. I haven't talked so much in so long.
I had my mom stay over for a week and I did sudarsana kriya everyday, that helped me a great lot too. Going to class was something I dreaded because I felt suffocated everytime sat with the strangers.
Things are better now and my bitch face helps me carry on.
I don't really expect much from my stay here other than gaining knowledge and keeping the very few people I choose to keep. I just hope to get it over with soon.
sincerely,
a third year med student.
Life has happened and I've come to realize that nobody is out there reading my blog , so I might as well write whatever the fuck I want to. Besides living in a hostel and having so little trust on anyone, I can't afford to keep a diary like I used to .
This is the 20 year old me in med school (believe me when I say school, it's way worse than you can imagine) , more bitter than an 80 year old pessimistic grandpa (evident with the lack of smileys and exclamation marks) , So I might sound less sunshiny than in the previous posts.
I don't sing , cook or take pictures like I used to. The whole cook snap and sing has lost it's point so.
I've lived a non existent life for the past 3 years and do so for 2 more. Have no clue whats up with the world or with me.
Getting into medical college was really a dream (made to) come true for me. The first few months was full of getting to know people and making friends , staring at the naked figures projected on board. Also amazed by how brave we've grown to walk past the lonely dissection hall full of dead bodies pickled in formalin. yada yada.
There's this thing about the college I'm in , I (females) can't go out of the campus. If I wanted to , my guardian had to bail me out, even if I wanted to go out and eat or even go home . I can't be found using the phone either.
Despite being informed this before joining, this was something most of us found hard to digest.
We still keep phones and go out (it's much more fun when each trip to the nearby cafe is like some mission impossible movie, you should try it it's fun) but then once you are caught, it's like they caught you smoking weed, and they look at you with disgust.
This could sound trivial but this affects me so much, because college was all I was looking forward to all my life. It was my doorway to being me .Where I would form my own band and make originals, where I would really get into street photography, The place where I develop opinions, knowledge and relationships. Other than some knowledge (my fault) and 2 something friends I haven't earned anything form here.
The social media helps me cope with this depressing campus by throwing me pictures and posts of my over achieving classmates and friends. I even find myself jealous of random people who are making a random cover , writing their second book or opening up a cafe. The family WhatsApp group makes me wonder how all the first rank holders are related to me. Facebook shows me how all my friends have found their soul sisters or brothers or partners or whatever, in their new college. It's like I couldn't feel happy for them anymore.
I'm guessing this is somewhat the story with most of them in my batch.
So this makes the 100 something people in my batch stuck with each other, because of a non existent social life. Most of them start dating each other. This makes things a bit weird. Old friends seemed like strangers, mostly because of my low self esteem which made me think like I shouldn't be bugging them with my friendship anymore.
There was this constant feeling of unworthiness, loneliness and self hatred. I even wanted to end my life because I felt like there wasn't a point. I had no drive, no passion no dreams. But then I would think of the three people who constantly keep calling me and checking up even if I have just a headache.
Long story short I fell into depression. Friends hardly noticed my absence in class or my fucked up tear held back face. I didn't really open up to anyone either. I had constant breathlessness, palpitations and heaviness of chest. Something told me that I couldn't handle it anymore, that I should get help. I told my parents and arranged a meeting with a psychologist who talked to me for more than 2 hours.
To be honest it's really amazing how simply talking to someone can take so much weight off your chest. I instantly felt so much better. She listened to me talk for 2 hours straight. I haven't talked so much in so long.
I had my mom stay over for a week and I did sudarsana kriya everyday, that helped me a great lot too. Going to class was something I dreaded because I felt suffocated everytime sat with the strangers.
Things are better now and my bitch face helps me carry on.
I don't really expect much from my stay here other than gaining knowledge and keeping the very few people I choose to keep. I just hope to get it over with soon.
sincerely,
a third year med student.
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